I Don't Understand Love

  I don't understand love.  The more I look inward, the more I see outward, the less I understand it.  I've grown up with the words "I love you" infused into everything - I hear it, speak it, see it.  But what about living it?
  What do "those three words" mean anymore?  "I love you" has become, largely, a catch phrase.  I say it to my family, my friends, my coworkers, those who take part in my life - and yet, how often to I pause to think about it as I speak it?
  My friends love me.  They talk to me, spend time with me, buy me gifts for my birthday, and repeat the age-old and over-used string of words that has been constructed in a way that can never be re-arranged.  "You are the one I love."  "Love describes how I feel about you."  "I feel love towards you."  "You are loved by me."  When was the last time you heard any of those?  "I love you" seems to be the only way in which we know how to "say it."
  My Mom loves me in a maternal manner.  This love is one I truly cannot understand, as I am not a mother.  She washes my laundry, makes me food, listens to me, scolds me, gives me advice, encourages me - and in these ways, she shows me every moment that her care for me is at the core of who she is.  Even when we argue, she still feels me meals, and even when I talk back to her, she still checks on me at night to make sure everything is OK before I go to sleep.  She says she loves me, and because of her actions, I believe her, but I still don't understand it.  I have never been a mother.
  My coworkers (some of them) love me.  I work hard and smile a lot and am always ready to listen, and they return those favors to me.  But these things are nothing beyond what is acceptable and normal in a given work scenario.  They love me where I'm at, for who I am at work - but they could still choose not to.  The mindset of humanity is to love, and here I am, caught in a place of loving and being loved when I can't say I even understand it.
  I've never been "in love" romantically, so again, I can't possibly attempt to understand something I have never even experienced.  In a world where romantic love has extended itself to "whenever, whatever, whomever" it becomes even more confusing and strange than it already was before.  Sorting through all of this seems impossible - unless I were to have experienced romantic love over a series of years, people, places and whatnot, I can't possible understand all of the facets of romantic love.

  But there is one love that I know I will never understand.  Unconditional love.

  God's love.  I know He loves me - I feel it, breathe it, need it, function by it, thrive off of it, hear it, see in, have a need for it, desire it with all that I am, rely upon it.  His love is to me as gasoline is to a gas-powered car - I don't properly function without it.
  While I know that I could never really live without His love, I also know that I don't deserve it in any manner.  I'm not a good person, or even really an O-K person.  I'm selfish and mean and I have ugly parts to my life that I'd rather nobody ever saw.  The light of day hasn't seen my worst times because I haven't let it.  There are some moments I regret and would give anything to take back and try again.  I've hurt people because of being careless with how human they are - because we're all human, right?  I've said things out of a bad mood that never should have been thought of - ever.  I've taken control of situations that weren't mine to be in charge of and I've messed up badly.  I've read things I shouldn't have and done things that I myself condemn.  I'm a hypocrite and I lie to myself sometimes to make me feel better.  How horrible is all of that?  I'm not a good person - I'm far from.  I'm human and I fail a lot.  It's part of the human experience, but that doesn't mean it hurts any less.  I know all of my worst evils and parts in a way no other human does - this leads me to think I'm probably one of the worst people out there.  Romans 3:10 tells me that nobody is righteous; not even one - but still, I have heard my dimmest thoughts loud and clear, and worse than that, have acted upon them at some of the most unfavorable times.  I give way to emotions that have no place in my heart, and I let off negative attitudes that are my problem, not everyone else's.  I'm not a good person.
  My righteousness isn't mine - in fact, I have none.  I'm not righteous or good or holy.  The only way I have any of that is because of His unconditional love.
  My kindness isn't mine.  I have a very limited ability to be kind in and of myself - kindness is generally an intrinsic human instinct.  Be kind to the weak among you, and to those who love you.  Be kind to those around you as much as you can.  But that can really only go so far.  It's really hard to be kind to the people who really don't deserve it, and the only way I ever successfully do that is by His kindness and not my own.
  My attitude isn't mine.  I smile a lot and like to show affection, compassion, helpfulness, gentleness, and loyalty to people, but I wouldn't be nearly as able to do any of that without relying fully on His grace and strength.
  Sometimes, I still fail in all of these things because I'm still human.  I'm still stuck in the same mess as everybody else.  But I've been redeemed, and not by my own character, but by His, because "while I was still a (horrible, miserable, detestable, mean, heartless) sinner, He died for me."  (Romans 5:8)

  All of this to say - you don't have to understand something to live it.  You don't have to use your own strength to fight for the person you want to be.  You don't have to understand love.  You just have to give it.  No matter - if you agree with someone or not, if someone wrongs you or not, if someone is cruel to you or not, if someone judges you or not, if someone is mean to you or not - the best you can do is to love them.  If someone is kind, patient, understand, thinks the same you do, encourages you, ect, how easy will it be for you to love them and show affection to them?  Everybody does that.  But how easy is it to love someone who shows you only hatred and injustice?  Yet, that is really what love is at its core.  Unconditional love is what we are called to by Jesus.  (Matthew 5:43-48)

  Show love.  Give as it has been given.  Your understanding of it, my understanding of it, is irrelevant to His calling.  Speak life and listen.  Be gentle and kind.  Show compassion and affection.  Love as brothers.  (1 Peter 3:8)

  Give of yourself.  In the end, there's not much more you can do but to live as Christ has called you.Strive for that everyday, and know that He loves you in a way that you will never understand.